Is The Second Verse The Same As The First????

Well, it's been almost three years since I've posted anything on this blog, but I now have the urge to try it again. I have found that my previous posts lead a very important person to my life. Since then I have made connections with family I haven't spoken to in almost 20 years and it has been great.

Hannah is growing and thriving. I can't believe she is over half way finished with 4th grade. Where has the time gone? She will be going to a different school than me next year so I am savoring every second I have left with her being in the same building. While she is not grown, she thinks she is and can get herself in "hot water" pretty quick! She is such a beautiful child. She thinks outside the box and is so unbelievably creative. She just blows me away to watch her and to know that I had a hand in her creation; that my blood runs through her. I am truly blessed. I know that I need to be a better mother to her, God knows I try. If she never remembers anything else about me I hope she always knows how much she is wanted and how much I have and will always love her and that I am so proud of her that my heart hurts. I love you Hannah Grace!!!

Things Are Better

I went to the doctor again to be rechecked and I must say that things are really looking better for me. The doctor did have to tweak my medicine again because I am having almost constant anxiety attacks and I am still getting aggedtated very easily. He agrees though that I am at the end of this cycle and these last two symptoms will disappear with time. Joey and I are trying to work on our problems too,thanks to some good advice from a good friend. We still have a long way to go, but we are making a good start. I hope we will continue to make progress. I do not want my marriage to end.

I love it when my medicine is working. Like right now, I feel really good. I am tired, but I am sitting here rocking in my chair and typing away. I am not angry or filled with hatered and rage. I feel calm. I love this getting back to normal feeling. I feel like I am getting back into my own skin. I love this feeling. It is great to be here mentally. I can't wait until the anxiety and aggitation go away again.
I am a little worried about tonight. Hannah has a ballgame tonight and I know that I will have a problem. I had to leave a store yesterday because of it. I get so "worked up" I feel like I am going to pass out because I just can't breathe. I don't know why it happens, it just does. I know I will feel better though. I will get through this. Kodi, thank you for sticking with me through this! I hope I didn't scare you off.

A Better Day I Think

I had a better day today. This morning sucked, but the day did get better. I actually went to church this morning and then to my aunt's and uncle's house for lunch. We stayed there until 7:00 tonight. I hung out, ate good food, and didn't have to deal with real life. I did see an non-medicated bipolar and was reminded that I never want to go back to that again. I am not raging as bad as I was. I do still believe that my marriage is really serious trouble, but I am not nearly as angry. I am having multiple serious anxiety attacks and often get sick after I eat(I don't know if that is medicine related), but I will deal with that until Thursday, that's when I see Dr. Tullis again. When I get nervous the anxiety attacks are very bad. They really scare me. I almost passed out in Wal-Mart last night. The doc upped my medications-now I am taking 10 Topamax, 4 Lamictal, 3 Busbar, and 1 Trazadone. That is a lot of medication for one mental illness, huh? He may add Abilify if the depression does not go away. I really hope the depression does go away, but it has not let up yet. I cried a lot during church today, well I cried off and on all day, but the good news is I haven't had a drink today. That is something I am really proud of. Joey and I haven't fought today, we haven't been in the same room, but we haven't fought and didn't get angry with Hannah except for this morning, so I would call this a better day. I hope my days will get better. I know my marriage will never be syruppy sweet, we will never be really close, but I would atleast like for us to be friends. It was nice that today was a day that we were civil to each other. We didn't fight and I don't think anyones feelings got hurt. So I guess we had a Happy Easter.

Diagnosis Still Sucks...

It is official I am pissed, miserable and crazy. The fabulous doctor says as my "disease" progresses this will get worse. Isn't that exciting??? I know, I thought so too! When I shared that information with the thoughtful human being I am married to the warm and loving response I got was "Oh great, so you're gonna get worse." He is so compassionate. That was so heartwarming and touching. It really took the weight off my shoulders. Yes, it made me feel good, like I could get through this...NOT! The only positive thing the doctor said was that it was okay for me to disappear for a while and to tell Joey to bite it when he threw money in my face. So now I am trying to find a place to run off to for a couple of nights. The doctor may also take me off work for a couple of weeks in order to get my medicine regulated and may take further actions if needed. I am so angry. I am angry at Joey because every step of our realtionship for the last 13 years has been a fight, a forced next step. I don't know anymore about him now than I did 13 years ago. We don't talk, he doesn't have time for that. I have tried to talk to him and all he can do is crack jokes and change the subject. There is no marraige left. Talk about living painfully. He tries to change me, everything about me. I guess who I am is not good enough for him anymore. It was good enough before we got married, before we had a child. Shouldn't he be the one to keep me safe and accept me for me? I am more self conscience about myself with him than I am with anyone else. I have told him and it still doesn't change. He says I have changed, but he has changed too. I don't know this person. This person is a stranger. I haven't left because of Hannah. I haven't left because I have hoped there was some shred of something there. I can't do this. I can't be put under the microscope for everything anymore. I get that enough from my mother. I want to make it all go away and be happy. I thought we were doing better a few months ago but that lasted about two weeks. Then it was back to hanging up on each other, sleeping in different rooms and basically not talking. I am not trying to air my dirty laundry to everyone, that is not the purpose of this. The purpose of this is to help me. I just want feel better. I don't want to be a failure at one more thing. My marraige is headed in that direction though. I could never deny what an excellent father he is, but he becomes more of a stranger everyday. Everyone sees one side of him, but I see another. If this doesn't work out, I will be the one to lose everything. No wonder I am sooo angry and sad.

Going to the Doctor

Well after my last rampage of ramblings, I decided that I would go get checked out. I have been doing things that aren't my norm(My husband thinks I could be developing a drinking problem) and after an incredibly hard weekend that is just now hitting me(not to mention yesterday was the three year anniversary of my cousin Tim's death) I think it is time for help. I am going to the doctor tomorrow and when I talk to him I am afraid he will put me in the hospital. The last time I got like this he threatened and I talked him out of it. Hopefully I can do that again. I am sinking. I don't like being this way. I want to love life and see the good in it. Now, I don't want anyone to think I am suicidal or anything like that because I am not. I don't have the nerve for that! I just want to go away and disappear from this life into another without the baggage and pain. I also know that that is not a reality either, but it is what I so desperately want. I wouldn't stay gone forever just a while, long enough to recreate me-to get a grip. I have to say this out loud. I need out of this misery because I don't want my daughter to see her mentally ill mother like this. I don't want her to look back and remember how her crazy ass mother was in and and out of the nut ward or how her crazy ass mother couldn't control her emotions. I don't want that for her. I just feel myself slipping and can't get it together. I wrote a very dear friend a letter yesterday. I told this person the way I had felt about him/her for a long time but instead of feeling good about that I just feel like I made a mistake because I feel like I will be or am being made fun of for doing something stupid. I'm not saying that this person is in anyway, but that is what my head jumps to! I AM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND!!!!! Maybe I shouldn't post this and I don't mean to scare anyone but I have to get it out. I am sure this will be used against me later if certain people get their hands on it. I don't know and am really toooo tired of the crap to care.

Random

I have so many thoughts in my head right now. I wonder if it is a bipolar warning sign or if I am coming to one of "those" moments in my life. The last couple of weeks have been incredibly strange. I just have not felt like myself. I have been so angry and so sad. I just want to run away from everything and everyone! I want to be somewhere where no one knows me and I can start all over. I want to be a mysterious stranger. I don't know. My realities are becoming too big to ignore any longer. I can no longer neatly hide them in a closet and pretend to have that close to normal every day life. My life for example, is falling apart. Marriage, job, person, patience, ability to keep it all going...ALL falling apart. If I sound like I am being a victim I don't mean to as that is not my intent. My intent is to scream quietly, to tell the world without saying a single sound. I am hoping this will make me feel better, but so far it has not done anything but make me a little angrier if in fact that is a word, if it isn't then I will say more angry.
The worse part of this is that I feel guilty about feeling this way. I am allowed to feel this way, but I shouldn't. I should let myself feel, but I wonder how wrong it is. Is this illness, is this insantiy, is this circumstance? What is this? Is it a combination of it all? I talk to my friends and they talk about their wonderful lives and I sink lower and lower into this pit. I honestly think I may be crazy. I so want to emotionally remove myself from everything and everyone. I am getting there too. I don't know how to love I guess. I don't want to attach myself to things/people for fear of being hurt further, not being accepted-morre rejection, trying to be changed (God knows the ones who say they love me the most have done nothing but try and change me!). Am I damaged goods? Did my past screw me up that bad???? I don't feel worthy of love or friendship. I just don't know or is it that I just don't care. Have I gotten so lazy that I have become apathetic to emotions? I have no interest in anything. I just want to crawl in a hole and stay there alone in the dark. Anyway, these are the rambling in my head. Did this make me feel anybetter? No, but here it is just the same.

My Daddy

I have worked on this post for a while and debated on publishing it for fear of who would read it and what would be taken from it. I just don't care. I know the relationship my father and I have shared and now share and I wanted to put into words how much love I feel for him.

As a little girl if you asked me about my daddy I would probably have told you that he worked all the time. I would have told you that he was grouchy and that he had hairy eyebrows. I guess that is what I would have said because I don't really remember Daddy a lot when I was a little girl for some reason. He was there I know he was. We had our good times like him letting me ride on his motorcycles with him to get ice cream at Sparky's on hot Sunday afternoons. I just don't remember the connection.
As a pre-teen/teenager if you had asked me about my daddy I would without a doubt just rolled my eyes and walked away. I would still tell you he worked a lot and that he was grouchy, and he had weird gray hair in his hairy eyebrows and that would be that. I didn't really know my daddy when I grew up. I mean, I knew him, he lived with me-he was in the house, but we were galaxies apart from one another both with our own pain and crosses to bear and neither knowing how to understand the other. There was so much distance and pain, longing to be close to my daddy for so long. I loved him with "teenage attitude" and everybody knows how topsy turvy that can be, how easily anger, hurt, and uplifted in can become. Just plain facts-I was not close to my daddy and never saw the situation changing.
THings began to change when Daddy stopped drinking, the anger and pain began to disappear, then, when I got married and moved away things melted a little more and Daddy and I got closer still. THe true icing on the cake though, was when Hannah was born! I honestly think that he tries to make up for the poor relationship he and I had through the awesome love he has and shows for her. This magnificent love has amazed me and moved me year after year and brought with it an even closer relationship for my father and I. There is something about picking up the telephone and hearing my father's voice checking on me that uplifts me. Now we are at a really good place with each other in our parent/child relationship. He is not just my daddy anymore I can truly call him my friend, with out a breathe of hesitation!
I know this may seem like rambling but I say all of this because back in December, Daddy had pretty serious, life altering surgery and it made me really take a close look at him and me as a unit. He has become the daddy I always wanted. He is so wonderful to me. We went on a date yesterday morning, Hannah, Daddy, and me, we went to breakfast at his favorite place. There was no earth shattering profound conversation, just being with Daddy made me feel good. I find myself fiercely protective of him now, something I have never felt. I say I love you every chance I get and I hope he knows that I do with every fiber of my being. He has become someone that I want to be. Although he is weak from his surgery and recovery, I find him to be so strong. I just wanted to put into words that I love my daddy so much more than I ever thought possible and I am a better person for having him in my life. I hope we continue to grow closer and we can make up for lost time. Now, if you ask me about my daddy, I would have to tell you he is an awsome man that I admire and yes he can still be grouchy and yes, he still has funny eyebrows, but I love him with all my heart.