Is The Second Verse The Same As The First????

Well, it's been almost three years since I've posted anything on this blog, but I now have the urge to try it again. I have found that my previous posts lead a very important person to my life. Since then I have made connections with family I haven't spoken to in almost 20 years and it has been great.

Hannah is growing and thriving. I can't believe she is over half way finished with 4th grade. Where has the time gone? She will be going to a different school than me next year so I am savoring every second I have left with her being in the same building. While she is not grown, she thinks she is and can get herself in "hot water" pretty quick! She is such a beautiful child. She thinks outside the box and is so unbelievably creative. She just blows me away to watch her and to know that I had a hand in her creation; that my blood runs through her. I am truly blessed. I know that I need to be a better mother to her, God knows I try. If she never remembers anything else about me I hope she always knows how much she is wanted and how much I have and will always love her and that I am so proud of her that my heart hurts. I love you Hannah Grace!!!

Things Are Better

I went to the doctor again to be rechecked and I must say that things are really looking better for me. The doctor did have to tweak my medicine again because I am having almost constant anxiety attacks and I am still getting aggedtated very easily. He agrees though that I am at the end of this cycle and these last two symptoms will disappear with time. Joey and I are trying to work on our problems too,thanks to some good advice from a good friend. We still have a long way to go, but we are making a good start. I hope we will continue to make progress. I do not want my marriage to end.

I love it when my medicine is working. Like right now, I feel really good. I am tired, but I am sitting here rocking in my chair and typing away. I am not angry or filled with hatered and rage. I feel calm. I love this getting back to normal feeling. I feel like I am getting back into my own skin. I love this feeling. It is great to be here mentally. I can't wait until the anxiety and aggitation go away again.
I am a little worried about tonight. Hannah has a ballgame tonight and I know that I will have a problem. I had to leave a store yesterday because of it. I get so "worked up" I feel like I am going to pass out because I just can't breathe. I don't know why it happens, it just does. I know I will feel better though. I will get through this. Kodi, thank you for sticking with me through this! I hope I didn't scare you off.

A Better Day I Think

I had a better day today. This morning sucked, but the day did get better. I actually went to church this morning and then to my aunt's and uncle's house for lunch. We stayed there until 7:00 tonight. I hung out, ate good food, and didn't have to deal with real life. I did see an non-medicated bipolar and was reminded that I never want to go back to that again. I am not raging as bad as I was. I do still believe that my marriage is really serious trouble, but I am not nearly as angry. I am having multiple serious anxiety attacks and often get sick after I eat(I don't know if that is medicine related), but I will deal with that until Thursday, that's when I see Dr. Tullis again. When I get nervous the anxiety attacks are very bad. They really scare me. I almost passed out in Wal-Mart last night. The doc upped my medications-now I am taking 10 Topamax, 4 Lamictal, 3 Busbar, and 1 Trazadone. That is a lot of medication for one mental illness, huh? He may add Abilify if the depression does not go away. I really hope the depression does go away, but it has not let up yet. I cried a lot during church today, well I cried off and on all day, but the good news is I haven't had a drink today. That is something I am really proud of. Joey and I haven't fought today, we haven't been in the same room, but we haven't fought and didn't get angry with Hannah except for this morning, so I would call this a better day. I hope my days will get better. I know my marriage will never be syruppy sweet, we will never be really close, but I would atleast like for us to be friends. It was nice that today was a day that we were civil to each other. We didn't fight and I don't think anyones feelings got hurt. So I guess we had a Happy Easter.

Diagnosis Still Sucks...

It is official I am pissed, miserable and crazy. The fabulous doctor says as my "disease" progresses this will get worse. Isn't that exciting??? I know, I thought so too! When I shared that information with the thoughtful human being I am married to the warm and loving response I got was "Oh great, so you're gonna get worse." He is so compassionate. That was so heartwarming and touching. It really took the weight off my shoulders. Yes, it made me feel good, like I could get through this...NOT! The only positive thing the doctor said was that it was okay for me to disappear for a while and to tell Joey to bite it when he threw money in my face. So now I am trying to find a place to run off to for a couple of nights. The doctor may also take me off work for a couple of weeks in order to get my medicine regulated and may take further actions if needed. I am so angry. I am angry at Joey because every step of our realtionship for the last 13 years has been a fight, a forced next step. I don't know anymore about him now than I did 13 years ago. We don't talk, he doesn't have time for that. I have tried to talk to him and all he can do is crack jokes and change the subject. There is no marraige left. Talk about living painfully. He tries to change me, everything about me. I guess who I am is not good enough for him anymore. It was good enough before we got married, before we had a child. Shouldn't he be the one to keep me safe and accept me for me? I am more self conscience about myself with him than I am with anyone else. I have told him and it still doesn't change. He says I have changed, but he has changed too. I don't know this person. This person is a stranger. I haven't left because of Hannah. I haven't left because I have hoped there was some shred of something there. I can't do this. I can't be put under the microscope for everything anymore. I get that enough from my mother. I want to make it all go away and be happy. I thought we were doing better a few months ago but that lasted about two weeks. Then it was back to hanging up on each other, sleeping in different rooms and basically not talking. I am not trying to air my dirty laundry to everyone, that is not the purpose of this. The purpose of this is to help me. I just want feel better. I don't want to be a failure at one more thing. My marraige is headed in that direction though. I could never deny what an excellent father he is, but he becomes more of a stranger everyday. Everyone sees one side of him, but I see another. If this doesn't work out, I will be the one to lose everything. No wonder I am sooo angry and sad.

Going to the Doctor

Well after my last rampage of ramblings, I decided that I would go get checked out. I have been doing things that aren't my norm(My husband thinks I could be developing a drinking problem) and after an incredibly hard weekend that is just now hitting me(not to mention yesterday was the three year anniversary of my cousin Tim's death) I think it is time for help. I am going to the doctor tomorrow and when I talk to him I am afraid he will put me in the hospital. The last time I got like this he threatened and I talked him out of it. Hopefully I can do that again. I am sinking. I don't like being this way. I want to love life and see the good in it. Now, I don't want anyone to think I am suicidal or anything like that because I am not. I don't have the nerve for that! I just want to go away and disappear from this life into another without the baggage and pain. I also know that that is not a reality either, but it is what I so desperately want. I wouldn't stay gone forever just a while, long enough to recreate me-to get a grip. I have to say this out loud. I need out of this misery because I don't want my daughter to see her mentally ill mother like this. I don't want her to look back and remember how her crazy ass mother was in and and out of the nut ward or how her crazy ass mother couldn't control her emotions. I don't want that for her. I just feel myself slipping and can't get it together. I wrote a very dear friend a letter yesterday. I told this person the way I had felt about him/her for a long time but instead of feeling good about that I just feel like I made a mistake because I feel like I will be or am being made fun of for doing something stupid. I'm not saying that this person is in anyway, but that is what my head jumps to! I AM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND!!!!! Maybe I shouldn't post this and I don't mean to scare anyone but I have to get it out. I am sure this will be used against me later if certain people get their hands on it. I don't know and am really toooo tired of the crap to care.

Random

I have so many thoughts in my head right now. I wonder if it is a bipolar warning sign or if I am coming to one of "those" moments in my life. The last couple of weeks have been incredibly strange. I just have not felt like myself. I have been so angry and so sad. I just want to run away from everything and everyone! I want to be somewhere where no one knows me and I can start all over. I want to be a mysterious stranger. I don't know. My realities are becoming too big to ignore any longer. I can no longer neatly hide them in a closet and pretend to have that close to normal every day life. My life for example, is falling apart. Marriage, job, person, patience, ability to keep it all going...ALL falling apart. If I sound like I am being a victim I don't mean to as that is not my intent. My intent is to scream quietly, to tell the world without saying a single sound. I am hoping this will make me feel better, but so far it has not done anything but make me a little angrier if in fact that is a word, if it isn't then I will say more angry.
The worse part of this is that I feel guilty about feeling this way. I am allowed to feel this way, but I shouldn't. I should let myself feel, but I wonder how wrong it is. Is this illness, is this insantiy, is this circumstance? What is this? Is it a combination of it all? I talk to my friends and they talk about their wonderful lives and I sink lower and lower into this pit. I honestly think I may be crazy. I so want to emotionally remove myself from everything and everyone. I am getting there too. I don't know how to love I guess. I don't want to attach myself to things/people for fear of being hurt further, not being accepted-morre rejection, trying to be changed (God knows the ones who say they love me the most have done nothing but try and change me!). Am I damaged goods? Did my past screw me up that bad???? I don't feel worthy of love or friendship. I just don't know or is it that I just don't care. Have I gotten so lazy that I have become apathetic to emotions? I have no interest in anything. I just want to crawl in a hole and stay there alone in the dark. Anyway, these are the rambling in my head. Did this make me feel anybetter? No, but here it is just the same.

My Daddy

I have worked on this post for a while and debated on publishing it for fear of who would read it and what would be taken from it. I just don't care. I know the relationship my father and I have shared and now share and I wanted to put into words how much love I feel for him.

As a little girl if you asked me about my daddy I would probably have told you that he worked all the time. I would have told you that he was grouchy and that he had hairy eyebrows. I guess that is what I would have said because I don't really remember Daddy a lot when I was a little girl for some reason. He was there I know he was. We had our good times like him letting me ride on his motorcycles with him to get ice cream at Sparky's on hot Sunday afternoons. I just don't remember the connection.
As a pre-teen/teenager if you had asked me about my daddy I would without a doubt just rolled my eyes and walked away. I would still tell you he worked a lot and that he was grouchy, and he had weird gray hair in his hairy eyebrows and that would be that. I didn't really know my daddy when I grew up. I mean, I knew him, he lived with me-he was in the house, but we were galaxies apart from one another both with our own pain and crosses to bear and neither knowing how to understand the other. There was so much distance and pain, longing to be close to my daddy for so long. I loved him with "teenage attitude" and everybody knows how topsy turvy that can be, how easily anger, hurt, and uplifted in can become. Just plain facts-I was not close to my daddy and never saw the situation changing.
THings began to change when Daddy stopped drinking, the anger and pain began to disappear, then, when I got married and moved away things melted a little more and Daddy and I got closer still. THe true icing on the cake though, was when Hannah was born! I honestly think that he tries to make up for the poor relationship he and I had through the awesome love he has and shows for her. This magnificent love has amazed me and moved me year after year and brought with it an even closer relationship for my father and I. There is something about picking up the telephone and hearing my father's voice checking on me that uplifts me. Now we are at a really good place with each other in our parent/child relationship. He is not just my daddy anymore I can truly call him my friend, with out a breathe of hesitation!
I know this may seem like rambling but I say all of this because back in December, Daddy had pretty serious, life altering surgery and it made me really take a close look at him and me as a unit. He has become the daddy I always wanted. He is so wonderful to me. We went on a date yesterday morning, Hannah, Daddy, and me, we went to breakfast at his favorite place. There was no earth shattering profound conversation, just being with Daddy made me feel good. I find myself fiercely protective of him now, something I have never felt. I say I love you every chance I get and I hope he knows that I do with every fiber of my being. He has become someone that I want to be. Although he is weak from his surgery and recovery, I find him to be so strong. I just wanted to put into words that I love my daddy so much more than I ever thought possible and I am a better person for having him in my life. I hope we continue to grow closer and we can make up for lost time. Now, if you ask me about my daddy, I would have to tell you he is an awsome man that I admire and yes he can still be grouchy and yes, he still has funny eyebrows, but I love him with all my heart.

Oh My Goodness, That Was Freakin' Awsome!!!

Anyone who knows me, knows that I always wanted to be a singer. I got my very first microphone at an early age and kept on going. All through school I was involved in music-vocal music. Choir, choir contests, choir camps, voice lessons, talent shows, you name it if it was singing I was on it. I still love to sing, but my biggest and best may I add audience is Hannah and she says "Mom I'm trying to hear this, could you stop now?" Oh well you can't keep a girl from her dream, right???? I always wanted to sing like Reba and I thought she was the most awsome performer there ever had been or ever would be. Well she is still way beyond awesome, but now enters another dynamic performer!!! Country music rocks!!!


For my birthday, Joey got us tickets to the Carrie Underwood (she is know as Carrie Underwear in our house) Carnival Ride tour featuring Little Big Town. I can not tell you the last time I had such a great time. The show was on Oct. 26th, (a Sunday, so Hannah didn't get to go and boy she was upset), at the Desoto Civic Center. We had a great seats and saw the whole show with out any problems, well except the fact that we forgot the camera and had to use our cellphones to take pictures. I got pictures though, no matter how BAD they are!!! :)

Little Big Town opened the show. I had heard Little Big Town on CMT and the radio and I liked them, but after watching their show I must say they now have a new fan. I love to hear those four people fit their voices together so tightly to make such beautiful harmony. They sang a ton of songs and really got the crowd up and going.

They got us all ready for the one and only...

CARRIE UNDERWEAR, um UNDERWOOD!!!!!!
This is were the show went into "the beyond" for me! She entertains much the same as Reba, but I might even say better. She talked to us about taking her mom to the CMAs just because she knew her mom would pay for dinner. When she sang "All American Girl" she pulled a little nine year old girl up from the audience and let her sing with her. She really put on a highly energetic show! It was a really good show. The thing that amazed me the most though was at the end of the show she came out and sang "Paradise City" by Guns and Roses. I am not talking a sugary sweet country version, I am saying the version with primal screams and headbanging-to me, probably not Joey-true rocker style! I would never imagined she was a country singer had I heard this first. Then again, I would not have imagined that big singing voice coming out of a girl that sounds and looks like she weighs a buck o'five. I left the show and asked Joey if we could go buy her other CD but he said midnight was little late to be shopping. Oh well, I had a great time and was really impressed with both bands. There is soooooo much more to share, but I just don't know where to start. I loved every second of the whole show. Sorry I rambled, but atleast I blogged!? I hope your weekend was good too!

Fall Break or Fall Out?

Well I was on Fall Break this week and while it was nice to be out of school, I think I was more stressed out and busier than any week I have spent at school so far this year.

My vacation started out really rocky right before we left for our trip to Springfield (for us it is "The Happiest Place on Earth"). Shoot, forget the Drew Barrymore and her family, don't give a second thought to Angelina Jolie and Jon Voight(sp), it some of the people in my family-you heard right folks-members of my family should win EVERY CATEGORY FOR EVERY OSCAR THAT HAS TO DO WITH DRAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If it can be made in to a major drama-and I am talking a real Scarlet O'Hara here-it will be done. You got a drama pot? I got an uncle and family that can stir it for you!!! They will be happy to a little, make that a lot of chaos to your life. Anyway, enough about that because I could sit here for the next six years and rant about that.

Let's go back to my happy place, shall we? On Friday after school, Joey, Hannah, and I left to go and see our best buds in the whole world. What people fail to understand is that this is my trip of the year. If I go nowhere else that is fine as long as I make it to Springfield every October! I love being with Kodi, Trai, and Emmarie! They just bring out the best in me, they make me happy. I am so peaceful up there and it is great.

We stayed really busy the whole weekend! My crew enjoyed celebrating Princess Emmarie's birthday. I was so excited that she took up with me this time. After the party and on Sunday we went around town and everytime we would get out of the car she would greet us withbig hug and a very excited "Joey and Heather I missed you so much!" I loved it! I can't believe how big she is. I really got a kick out of her calling Joey "Miss. Huncle Joey" and Hannah coming to me and telling me Emmarie had given her a new nickname-"Hey Hannah Little".

On this trip I got to meet Kodi's friend Holly. I have read her blog since her son Tanner was born prematurely this summer, so I was very excited to get to meet the famous duo in person. Moms always have a really neat "connection" but moms of preemies seem to go past that even.

Two other biggies were going to the farm that Kodi has blogged about and my family's first trip ever to a pumpkin patch. Both outings were great fun and being with our very best friends made it even better.

On Monday we sadly came home and I started cleaning, Tuesday I spent the day with my friend Cathy then I came home and cleaned some more, and Wednesday I started cleaning as soon as I got up and have not stopped since. I must say I have worked my tush off. I have not only cleaned up but I have cleaned out: closets, shelves, dressers and so on (seven 39 gallon garbage bags and six 13 gallon garbage bags). I am still cleaning today, though I have gone to a more leasurely pace. The appraiser came this morning and the pest control man just left, I am working on and off on my kitchen and about to start laundry. I am going to start going through two other closets, Joey is going to clean his closet, and I am going to go through fall clothes this weekend. So, by Monday I will be ready for Fall Break.

Well, I haven't blogged in a while so this should do it for a few days anyway. Sorry it was so long, but I was just so dearn proud that I cleaned my house! You can ask everyone, it doesn't happen often, but wow it feels good now that I have!

OK It has Been A While

Ok so I haven't posted in forever. I am among the living I promise!

A Few of My Favorite Things

1. Do you like blue cheese? OOOOOHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

2. Favorite Food? I love it all!

3. Do you own a gun? Joey does, the less I know about it the better.

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? I don't.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Nope

6. What do you think of hot dogs? I like them when I am at the fair or a ball game, a place like that. I don't like them at home.

7. Favorite Christmas song? Santa Baby

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? COFFEE, but if I don't have time I'll drink just about anything.

9. Can you do push ups? Nope. We won't even go there!!!

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? The diamond from my grandmother's wedding ring.

11. Favorite hobby? Zoning out and having brain free time

12. Do you have A.D.D.? probably

13. What is one trait that you hate about yourself? I can give in too easily.

14. Middle name? Elizabeth

15. Name 3 thoughts at this moment.
a. I don't want to go back to school.
b. I hope Anna Dale can come visit Hannah.
c. I don't want to get dressed today.

16. NAME 3 DRINKS YOU DRINK REGULAR? Water, sugar free mix ins, and tea

17. CURRENT WORRY RIGHT NOW? paying for our trip to New York, not the airline tickets, but all the extras

18. CURRENT HATE RIGHT NOW? living in this cracker box, tiny house-We are living right on top of each other

19. Favorite place to be? in my easy chair

20. How did you bring in the New Year? sleeping

21. Like to go? Depends on what when and where

22. Name three people who will complete this first? I dunno????

24. What color shirt are you wearing? pastel stripe

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? No, they're too slippery

26. Can you whistle? Sometimes.

27. Favorite color? in general - red and blue, but not together

28. WOULD YOU BE A PIRATE? what!? of course not

29. WHAT SONGS DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? Whatever pops in my head

30. Favorite Russian Chauffeurs name? What the heck is this?

31. Favorite boy's name? Sam

32. What's in your pocket right now? I don't have any pockets and I hate that by the way.

33. Last thing that made you laugh? Kodi describing Hannah and Emmarie as Ms. Bossy meeting Ms. Bossier.

34. Best bed sheets as a child? I have no clue. I'm sure I had some great ones, but I don't remember.

35. Worst injury you've ever had?? My back after having a pinched nerve. That is what happens when your baby grows up and your try to pick her up when she is sleeping.

36. Do you love where you live? No, I am going to Springfield eventually

37. How many TVs do you have in your house? 3

38. Who is your loudest friend? More family by marriage, Lynn

39. How many pets do you have? 1dog, 1 fish

40. Does someone have a crush on you? Doubt It!

41. What is your favorite book? Mr. and Mrs. BoJo Jones

42. What is your favorite candy? It is defined by the holiday.

43. Favorite Sports Team? University of Memphis basketball

44. What were you doing 12 AM last night? watching tv, computer, cleaning

45. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Crap, I slept in the chair again!

Okay, you know how this works...copy and paste...blah, blah, blah. I'm tagging the following people:

Aunt Vickie
Kerri Taylor

Sometimes Your Heart Gets Broken

What do you do when you have a friend, that you have been practically inseperable from for a long time, that suddenly wants no part of you? How do you deflect that heartbreak? This friend is going through some incredible trials right now, but to tell your friend don't call me, I'll call you, seems a little scary to me. I have been down this road so many times before. I miss my friend, I want to help her, reach out to her during this hard time, but she won't even return my phone calls. I have cried and cried over this. I saw her this weekend at Weight Watchers and she talked to me very casually, but she talked so I am more inclined to think maybe she doesn't HATE me. I don't know. My heart breaks when I think about it. I could hardly sleep last week because of it. It is never good when you hear "It's not you, it's me..." no matter who it comes from. I have just been so sad because part of me thinks she really must hate me and the other part believes what she says about needing to deal with her stuff.

Hopefully this will be a better week...

Kodi, I can't wait for you and your gang to come visit!

I Was Tagged...

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6am, by the grace of God, I fell asleep in the reclincer and had no alarm. Joey slept through the other one
2. Diamonds or pearls? YES!
3.The last movie you saw at a movie theater? National Treasure (the second one)
4. What is your favorite TV show? Nothing scary
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Oatmeal, wow I am a Granny!

6. What is your middle name? Elizabeth

7. What food do you dislike? anything I can't identify
8. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Hank Williams Sr. and Willie Nelson
9. What kind of car do you drive? Ford Fusion
10. Favorite sandwich? Subway's grilled/roasted chicken breast
11. What characteristics do you despise? lying
12. Favorite item of clothing? sweatpants and tshirts

13. If you could go anywhere in the world for a vacation, where would it be? anywhere with no students and lots of relaxation(sp)

14. What color is your bathroom? almond & blue where the paint is peeling

15. Favorite brand of clothing? CHEAP

16. Where would you retire? You mean I'll get to do that one day?

17. Most memorable birthday? I don't remember the number, but I thought I would be sly and get out of being sung to at the resturaunt we were at so I went to the bathroom to hide. While I was in there I ended up really needing to use the restroom so as I sat there taking care of business the waitresses and my friend come in to the restroom and sang happy birthday to me right there in the toilet!!!!
19. When is your birthday? September 8
20.Are you a morning person or a night person? depends on the day you ask

21. What is your shoe size? 10

22. What did you want to be when you were little? I wanted to be a singer, then I found out I had to get a real job
23. What are you doing today? teaching 1st grade
24. What is your favorite candy? that's a hard one...I don't really have one favorite

25. What is your favorite flower? star gazer lillies

26. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? ???????
27. Do you wish on stars? nope
28. Do you believe in Angels? definitely

29. What is your pet peeve? just one????????? Listening to someone be cruel to someone else. STUPIDITY and not taking responsibitlity for your kids
30. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Emily

31. Favorite soft drink? can't drink them

32. Favorite restaurant? Well's Kitchen
33. Hair Color? black/brown

34. Siblings? 1 older sister
35. Favorite day of the year? last day of school
36. Favorite toy as a child? any baby doll

37. Hugs or kisses?
38. Chocolate or vanilla? vanilla
39. What is under your bed? A science experiment
40. Who is the friend you've had longest? Wow...Kodi Logan
41. What did you do last night? went to the gym

42. Favorite smell?
43. What are you afraid of? snakes, frogs, & worms & big dogs

44. How many keys on your key ring? 6?

45. How many years at your current job? 5 years

46. Favorite day of the week? Friday

47. How many towns have you lived in? too many to count...1

48. Do you make friends easily? no, I'm too shy at first, then I have too many trust issues

What Do You Do?

I just have to wonder sometimes why things happen. My cousin Jamie, whom I was raised with as a brother/sister relationship, has been so angry since his brother died in 2006. I completely understand that, but when I tried to reach out to him he told me to go to hell and crushed me! He has a son that he has NOTHING to do with. I adore that little boy and I am best friends with his son's mother. I am so angry with Jamie and think he is useless, but he has been coming around, back to the old Jamie. We aren't having heart to heart talks or anything, but we have general conversation, speak to each other. I just feel torn because I am still angry and hurt with him, and having any conversation no matter how small talkish it is makes me feel as though I am betraying Emily. Jamie is not welcome at my house because I don't trust him. He has changed and he is still angry and acts really strange and just a lot of other stuff. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I am talking out of both sides of my mouth but I am not. Jamie is a screw up that has no respect for anyone. There has been no loving reunion between us, just small talk and a picture of us at Christmas. Am I in the wrong?

Anyway, yesterday was Hazel's birthday. She is 59. All she could talk about was wanting to be 60. She was being weird. Everyone was just kinda looking at her funny. I got her a Grandmother's bracelet, but I don't think she liked it. It was one of those, oh-thaaaatsss niceeeee... I hope she liked it because I really thought about what I wanted her to have and I thought she would like it.

I am falling asleep as I type so I have to stop in mid-blog. Sorry to do this!

Happy New Year!

Hannah, Joey, and I celebrated New Year's Eve at home last night with a few good movies and some movie size popcorn. Hannah hung in until about 11:15 before she fell asleep and Joey and I actually saw the New Year come in though. I must say I was amazed!

Christmas was good too! Santa was good to all of us. We all got what we asked we asked for. Hannah got way too much of everything! Joey got a Bamboo tablet thingy and a camera flash and I got a laptop. We also got some Christmas money and one of my favorite gifts a beautiful picture frame full of pictures. There were pictures of Emmarie and Hannah, pictures of each of our families and one picture of all six of us. I loved it! Joey liked it too, but he doesn't do mushy... Anyway, we had a good Christmas.

I will blog more later, I am helping Joey hang pictures.

We Still Have Two Legs and One Wild Child

Baby girl came through her surgery famously. She had the procedure on Monday (which is a story in and of itself), spent the night in the hospital, came home Tuesday, to the dentist Thursday and Missouri on Friday. That is what I call a fast healer!

Okay, so for the surgery story, well actually mood, tone, attitude-you get the general idea. Hannah has been worried about this surgery since July. She has talked about it, drawn pictures about it, tried to talk us out of it, you name it she has tried it except for pulling the depression/anger card. Well, need I say it? She pulled that card big time. In my last post I told you about her with all the barfing and what not, well we went to the doctor and he said he was 90% sure it was a bug but that it did also have a chance of being a nervous stomach. We felt so sorry for her, we loved on her and petted her, tried to make her comfortable, talked to her as much or as little about the surgery or her bug as she wanted-basically we let the world stop for her that weekend. We even let her favorite cousin Catey (she's 12) spend the night (the night before surgery) to cheer her up and she seemed to be okay. Well we got up Monday morning and she was happy and sweet until she realized what day it was and what was going to happen that day. As the morning went on she got more and more quiet and withdrawn. Then, she wouldn't play, then she wouldn't even smile. Finally she quit talking to us. Heck, she would talk to or look at anyone, not either set of grandparents, not her favorite cousin, not the lady giving her pick of toys at the hospital's "Bunny Room" , the "sleepy doctor" not anyone! Later, Dr. Sawyer said he almost did not do her surgery because she was in such a bad funk. The sleepy doctor really tried to put on a show for her to make her laugh and she gave he a "go south" look and turned her back to him like she was sixteen. She did that to everyone. She was mad because of the surgery, she was mad because she was thirsty, she was real mad because she was hungry and she was mad because she was well, just mad!

She came through fine and is now in a walking boot for the next month. That means no P.E. or big recess fun and boy can you tell she has built up that energy! Anyway, I just thought I would check in and let everyone know Hannah came through surgery with two good legs and I got one wild child! :)

Some Days are Just Nuts

Today was suppose to be our "fun" day with Hannah before she had surgery. Well, she got up this morning, ate breakfast, and then well, threw up. Then we all cleaned up and went to Covington ate lunch and then as we were looking at cars she well, threw up. Right there in the middle of the car lot. Joey told the car salesman and he told Joey not to worry about it. Bless her heart, here nerves are shot. I just called the doctor and he even thinks the throwing up is nerves. I don't know what to think. Do I go ahead with the surgery? Do I put it off? Is she really sick? Is it just nerves? Is this a sign? Am I an idiot? Will the Joker finally capture Batman? Oh yeah, back to reality. I am just so confused and worried right now. The whole car thing is frustrating me, then the surgery thing and Hannah's depression/sickness worries me beyond belief first and foremost above all and everything. I am slowly falling into a funk right now. I guess I will sign off and go to bed in case we have to go to the doctor tomorrow. Joey is still waiting to hear from insurance to know if we can rent a car to come to MO and if I don't get to go, I may scream. Oh yeah, we never did get to have our fun day either.

I'm Back

Well if I said that I hadn't posted because my life had been boring I would be telling one fat lie! Let's see since my last post my family and I have been hit by an uninsured drunk driver that totaled my car. We are are still dealing with that while she is walking around having her day to day. She has seven charges against her just from our wreck so, maybe she'll spend 6 seconds in jail. I want to sue her and then again I don't. I don't know about that, but I do know I want her to think about it everyday for the rest of her miserable life. She goes to court on Oct. 26 and I am going to be there to wish her well. Now, if I can just get my own dang car. I am riding in Joey's fall-apart-mobile and it is killing me. I don't think there are two things in that car that can work together. It is just crazy.

Our next hurdle comes on Monday. Monday, baby girl goes in to have the tumor removed from her leg. We go in Monday at 10 am and surgery is at 12. We will stay in Monday night and should come home Tuesday some time. Bless her heart, she cried yesterday morning and last night saying "I'm just not having a good day and I don't feel good. There's only two days until my surgery. I don't want my knot cut out." I think the "cut out" terminology may have come from Joey or Hazel, thanks to whomever decided to do that! I would freak out over having something "cut out" and I'm 31, can you imagine how it sounds to a 5 year old? Anyway, it will all work out. The fun we look forward to is going to Aunt Kodi and Uncles Trai's house. Everybody is ready for that trip, no matter what we ride in!

So say a prayer for us! Until then...

Another Year Another Year Wiser or Maybe Not

Well, today marked my 31st birthday. Am I depressed? Honestly, I'm not. I have made it through another year with no major scratches, a wonderful husband, a really cool little girl that totally entertains and amazes me, and a few wonderful friends like you and Trai and Emily Crocker (I have told you about her Kodi, you may not remeber her though).

This has been a very trying year, but I have come through it much stronger than I went into it. I accomplished goals that I never thought possible. I graduated with my masters in education: Elementary Reading and Literacy, I have successfully dealt with and am dealing with issues that have haunted me for years that I just couldn't get past and am on my way to putting them behind me. I have learned a lot too!

I learned:

• how to be a dependable friend, not just a dependent friend
• how to stand up for myself and what I believe in (Anyone who know me knows that is HUGE).
• I don't have to "keep up with the Jones'", stuff is just stuff, you shouldn't miss what you don't have
• I need to take pride in what you have and work hard for what you
  want
• that jealousy gets you nowhere, but makes you feel damn miserable
• finally, I learned that it is okay to be who I am, I don't have to
  fit the mold, no I am still not comfortable in my own skin, but I
  know in my head for the first time that everything in the world
  is not my fault, I am okay if I am not perfect, and if people
  don't like me that is okay too

I have had a wonderful day so far! The first great gift was that I got to change schools that was a really good early present. I know everyone tired of hearing about it, but I just can't convey how much I love it, Mama's present to me was paying for my visit to the "fat doctor" so I can get the 15lbs pounds off that I have gained back and the other 7 I want to lose to get back to my lowest weight so far or 17 I am wanting to lose to get to what my doctor says should be my goal weight. I asked for Mama's gift, it was not her idea. Joey, Emily, and I are probably going to Tunica tonight, minus Hannah and Jameson.

As a side note, Hannah is having surgery on her leg to remove the tumor on October 8th, It will probably be a day surgery. She will breeze through it though! She is SUCH a trooper.

Hello Again

Did I mention that I love my new school? Got that school spirit thing and all, actually proud to be there! So this is what teaching is like. I actually don't mind being with my kids, of course it helps that I only have ten students :). Anyway, I am staying busy trying to find my way much like a first year teacher. I am being evaluated although I have tenure, just because I am new to the school. I don't like that, but oh well, what is one or two evaluations right? Right now I am still bringing home lots of work but am not so compelled to try and accomplish all of it at once. The principal and other teachers are great. THIS PLACE IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!! I will blog more about the real life stuff tonight, I just wanted to brag about my new school.