Diagnosis Still Sucks...

It is official I am pissed, miserable and crazy. The fabulous doctor says as my "disease" progresses this will get worse. Isn't that exciting??? I know, I thought so too! When I shared that information with the thoughtful human being I am married to the warm and loving response I got was "Oh great, so you're gonna get worse." He is so compassionate. That was so heartwarming and touching. It really took the weight off my shoulders. Yes, it made me feel good, like I could get through this...NOT! The only positive thing the doctor said was that it was okay for me to disappear for a while and to tell Joey to bite it when he threw money in my face. So now I am trying to find a place to run off to for a couple of nights. The doctor may also take me off work for a couple of weeks in order to get my medicine regulated and may take further actions if needed. I am so angry. I am angry at Joey because every step of our realtionship for the last 13 years has been a fight, a forced next step. I don't know anymore about him now than I did 13 years ago. We don't talk, he doesn't have time for that. I have tried to talk to him and all he can do is crack jokes and change the subject. There is no marraige left. Talk about living painfully. He tries to change me, everything about me. I guess who I am is not good enough for him anymore. It was good enough before we got married, before we had a child. Shouldn't he be the one to keep me safe and accept me for me? I am more self conscience about myself with him than I am with anyone else. I have told him and it still doesn't change. He says I have changed, but he has changed too. I don't know this person. This person is a stranger. I haven't left because of Hannah. I haven't left because I have hoped there was some shred of something there. I can't do this. I can't be put under the microscope for everything anymore. I get that enough from my mother. I want to make it all go away and be happy. I thought we were doing better a few months ago but that lasted about two weeks. Then it was back to hanging up on each other, sleeping in different rooms and basically not talking. I am not trying to air my dirty laundry to everyone, that is not the purpose of this. The purpose of this is to help me. I just want feel better. I don't want to be a failure at one more thing. My marraige is headed in that direction though. I could never deny what an excellent father he is, but he becomes more of a stranger everyday. Everyone sees one side of him, but I see another. If this doesn't work out, I will be the one to lose everything. No wonder I am sooo angry and sad.