Going to the Doctor

Well after my last rampage of ramblings, I decided that I would go get checked out. I have been doing things that aren't my norm(My husband thinks I could be developing a drinking problem) and after an incredibly hard weekend that is just now hitting me(not to mention yesterday was the three year anniversary of my cousin Tim's death) I think it is time for help. I am going to the doctor tomorrow and when I talk to him I am afraid he will put me in the hospital. The last time I got like this he threatened and I talked him out of it. Hopefully I can do that again. I am sinking. I don't like being this way. I want to love life and see the good in it. Now, I don't want anyone to think I am suicidal or anything like that because I am not. I don't have the nerve for that! I just want to go away and disappear from this life into another without the baggage and pain. I also know that that is not a reality either, but it is what I so desperately want. I wouldn't stay gone forever just a while, long enough to recreate me-to get a grip. I have to say this out loud. I need out of this misery because I don't want my daughter to see her mentally ill mother like this. I don't want her to look back and remember how her crazy ass mother was in and and out of the nut ward or how her crazy ass mother couldn't control her emotions. I don't want that for her. I just feel myself slipping and can't get it together. I wrote a very dear friend a letter yesterday. I told this person the way I had felt about him/her for a long time but instead of feeling good about that I just feel like I made a mistake because I feel like I will be or am being made fun of for doing something stupid. I'm not saying that this person is in anyway, but that is what my head jumps to! I AM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND!!!!! Maybe I shouldn't post this and I don't mean to scare anyone but I have to get it out. I am sure this will be used against me later if certain people get their hands on it. I don't know and am really toooo tired of the crap to care.