Random

I have so many thoughts in my head right now. I wonder if it is a bipolar warning sign or if I am coming to one of "those" moments in my life. The last couple of weeks have been incredibly strange. I just have not felt like myself. I have been so angry and so sad. I just want to run away from everything and everyone! I want to be somewhere where no one knows me and I can start all over. I want to be a mysterious stranger. I don't know. My realities are becoming too big to ignore any longer. I can no longer neatly hide them in a closet and pretend to have that close to normal every day life. My life for example, is falling apart. Marriage, job, person, patience, ability to keep it all going...ALL falling apart. If I sound like I am being a victim I don't mean to as that is not my intent. My intent is to scream quietly, to tell the world without saying a single sound. I am hoping this will make me feel better, but so far it has not done anything but make me a little angrier if in fact that is a word, if it isn't then I will say more angry.
The worse part of this is that I feel guilty about feeling this way. I am allowed to feel this way, but I shouldn't. I should let myself feel, but I wonder how wrong it is. Is this illness, is this insantiy, is this circumstance? What is this? Is it a combination of it all? I talk to my friends and they talk about their wonderful lives and I sink lower and lower into this pit. I honestly think I may be crazy. I so want to emotionally remove myself from everything and everyone. I am getting there too. I don't know how to love I guess. I don't want to attach myself to things/people for fear of being hurt further, not being accepted-morre rejection, trying to be changed (God knows the ones who say they love me the most have done nothing but try and change me!). Am I damaged goods? Did my past screw me up that bad???? I don't feel worthy of love or friendship. I just don't know or is it that I just don't care. Have I gotten so lazy that I have become apathetic to emotions? I have no interest in anything. I just want to crawl in a hole and stay there alone in the dark. Anyway, these are the rambling in my head. Did this make me feel anybetter? No, but here it is just the same.